Written by: Abbey Riendeau, LMHC

Do you find yourself saying, “I’m sorry” when you haven’t actually offended someone or made a mistake? We are all taught as kids to apologize when we hurt someone, but when you find yourself saying, “I’m sorry” 10, 20, or even more than 30 times a day, consider if you are actually hurting people this often or are you apologizing when it isn’t necessary? This is a common statement among some people-pleasers and it seems to come up more frequently in workplaces. You might believe that your apology communicates humble submissiveness, respect, or accommodation, but in reality it often portrays you as being less confident in yourself and your professional abilities. This reflexive apology is subconsciously letting you take blame for and assume responsibility for something that is not your fault or does not warrant an apology. Not only does this impact how others view you, but it impacts how you view yourself. Over-apologizing can negatively impact your self-confidence, create opportunities for negative self-talk, anxiety, can create submissive attitudes leaving you vulnerable to being taken advantage of, and can overall impact your mental health.

If you believe you are a chronic over-apologizer, it’s time to take a different approach to how you communicate by expressing what you truly mean. Below are a few ways to decrease your use of apologies when they are not needed.

Show thanks instead - You can demonstrate concern without demeaning yourself by finding a way to thank the other person. For example, if you fall behind on an assignment or are late for a meeting, avoid apologizing and providing excuses (“I’m so sorry I’m not finished with the assignment” or “I’m sorry I’m late today”), swap it for: “Thank you for your patience with this assignment, I want to make sure it is the best quality and I will have it completed by the end of the week,” or “Thank you for waiting for me to begin the meeting, I appreciate your time.” These statements are assertive yet respectful and don’t come across as making excuses for your behavior, but rather owning it.
Ask for feedback or clarification - Sometimes over-apologizing can come from having low self-esteem, anxiety, or a lack of confidence in abilities. Miscommunication, misunderstanding, and questions come up all the time, especially in the workplace. You may feel like you shouldn’t have to ask for clarification or feedback because you should already know the correct answer, and when you don’t, it makes you feel incapable. You may add in the apology to pad your ego as you request clarification because you feel dumb for not understanding the first time. The truth is, everybody needs feedback or clarification at some point, and it can help to boost your confidence to get that kind of communication from others. Asking for constructive feedback will communicate to others that you are open to improving and trust their opinion. Asking for clarification demonstrates that you want to understand and avoid mistakes when possible. Instead of adding an apology when asking for feedback or clarification, try saying, “I have a question,” “I just want to make sure I am following…,” or “Can you give me feedback on how I can do this differently?”
Ask for help - Apologies are frequently used when a person tries to interject their opinion or question into a meeting. This also occurs when someone needs the assistance of a supervisor and they knock on the supervisor’s office door and apologize for needing help. This is most likely done out of concern for creating disruption or bothering another person, but it can come across as not being confident in yourself or even being afraid of asking for help. Instead, interject in the meeting dialogue and state, “I have a thought on this topic,” or simply knock on the door and say, “Is now a good time for a quick question?” It’s much more assertive and communicates confidence and capability when you just ask for the help you need. You have a right to an opinion and to ask questions, especially in the workplace, so don’t apologize for doing what you need to do to get the job done.
Communicate a rational and practical perspective, rather than an emotional one - You may find yourself unconsciously apologizing to diffuse a conflict or a disagreement. It’s inevitable that we will not agree with everyone we cross paths with, but sometimes it’s necessary to express that we do not agree or to even correct people. These are things that we do not have to be sorry for, as long as they are done in a respectful and compassionate manner. Your apology can sometimes come across as having a degrading or judging tone without even meaning it to. For example, saying, “I’m sorry, but I don’t agree,” can sound like you are judging and closed off to another person’s opinion. This can also take away from your power and potentially make you seem weak. Instead, try statements such as, “Let’s look at this from another angle,” “I personally feel…,” or “I’d like to explain….” These statements communicate a willingness to have an open dialogue and provide information and education rather than an emotional debate.
Practice empathy - Have you ever had someone tell you about something really awful that happened to them, such as a loved one passing away? Have you said the obligatory, “I’m sorry,” maybe because you didn’t know what else to say? You probably meant well but apologizing doesn’t offer much to the other person other than some sympathy and often leaves them feeling unheard or unacknowledged. Instead of showing sympathy, try demonstrating empathy by reflecting on and acknowledging what the other person may be feeling. Stating something like, “That sounds like it was really hard for you,” or “You must be experiencing so many emotions and challenges right now,” communicates understanding. You can also ask a question, such as, “How are you feeling?” You may be uncomfortable talking about loss or other difficult experiences someone encounters, but showing empathy provides so much more comfort to the other person.

If you are an over-apologizer, it will probably be difficult to break the habit right away. Habits are called habits because they are automatic behaviors – you do them unconsciously without thinking about it first. Because of this, it will take time to communicate in a different way and to make this new way of communicating a habit. The first step to breaking any unwanted habit is awareness. You can begin by being aware of how often you apologize and what kind of situations in which you feel the need to apologize. Then begin analyzing those situations afterwards and identify a different way you could have responded. As your awareness increases, try out your new style of communication and see how you feel and the responses that you get. Consider starting with emails or written communication, as it’s often easier to spot the apologies in written communication before you hit the send button. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for feedback from others on your communication style!

If you’re experiencing challenges with communication, such as extreme anxiety or fears of asserting yourself appropriately with others, please reach out to a mental health professional for help. Enlisting the support of a therapist can make a huge difference in beginning to improve how you communicate with others and ultimately begin to see differences in your overall mood and view of yourself. Our therapists at FIG are available to help you recognize, discuss, and change your communication style to live a more fulfilling and positive life. If you are experiencing extreme anxiety or fear, feel free to reach out to us to schedule an appointment or call 988 for immediate mental health support.

Citation:

Council, F. C. (n.d.). Council Post: Stop Apologizing: 10 Alternative Approaches To “I’m Sorry.” Forbes. Retrieved January 17, 2024, from https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2018/06/01/stop-apologizing-10-alternative-approaches-to-im-sorry/?sh=40bef1b1550d

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Michelle. (2022, October 27). 35 Things to Say Instead of I’m Sorry. Saylahvee. https://saylahvee.com/things-to-say-instead-of-im-sorry/