Written by: Abbey Riendeau, LMHC
If you or a loved one suffer from sexual addiction, or an inability to control behaviors around sex and even pornography use, then this book is for you! ‘Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction’ is written by Partick Carnes, Ph.D.. Dr. Carnes is a well known speaker, writer, and pioneer of treatment for addiction, specifically sexual addiction. This book provides a wonderful introduction into understanding the building blocks of sex addiction and delivers material in a way that is easy to understand and makes those suffering from addiction feel less alone.
Dr. Carnes highlights that sex is an important part of our lives, but when it becomes compulsive and out of control it begins to unravel our lives. Unlike drug or alcohol addiction, where the addictive substance can be avoided with sobriety, it is unrealistic for individuals to be totally celebit from sex as a way to address sexual addiction. In this way, sex addiction is more similar to eating disorders or an addiction to food; the individual must learn how to engage with the addictive substance in a healthy way again. This can sometimes prove to be harder than avoiding the addictive substance all together.
The content in ‘Out of the Shadows’ is well organized and provides an easy-to-read path through understanding the development of sexual addiction, elements that may contribute to the addiction, and a suggested model for recovery.
The book begins by defining sexual addiction. Dr. Carnes provides that sexual addicts substitute a relationship to sex for a healthy relationship with others. He goes on to explain how the addict’s belief system sets off the addiction cycle. It all begins with the delusion thought processes that are rooted in the belief system of the addict. In other words, addicts begin with core beliefs about themselves that affect how they perceive reality. The belief system is a collection of assumptions, judgments, and myths that the individual holds to be true. Most cognitive processes will filter through this belief system and be impacted, such as making decisions, interpreting the behaviors of others, and establishing priorities. Three core beliefs that are discussed throughout this book are then introduced. These core beliefs are:
I am not a worthwhile person.
Other people would not care for me or meet my needs if everything was known about me.
Sex is my most important need.
The faulty belief system breeds a distorted view of reality and an impaired thinking process, and denial often is most significant among the ways in which the addict distorts reality.
The addiction cycle is then introduced and explained. It starts with preoccupation, which is explained as a trance or mood wherein the addict’s mind is completely engrossed with thoughts of sex, creating an obsessive search for sexual stimulation. Next is ritualization, which is the addict’s own special routine that leads up to the sexual behavior. This routine adds arousal and excitement to the preoccupation. Third, the compulsive sexual behavior occurs, which is the actual sex act and the end goal of the preoccupation and ritualization. Sex addicts are unable to control or stop this behavior. Lastly, is despair, or feelings of utter hopelessness an addict experiences about their behavior and powerlessness.
Dr. Carnes then goes on to explain how the addictive system is developed, which involves the belief system and impaired thinking feeding and being continued by the addiction cycle. I believe this first chapter of the book is the most beneficial for understanding the underlying building blocks of sexual addiction. If you were only going to read one chapter of this book, chapter one would definitely be the chapter I would recommend prioritizing.
Chapter two goes on to discuss the levels of addiction, which explains how compulsive sexual behaviors can escalate in severity to eventually include immoral and even illegal actions. Chapter three discusses the rise of cybersex and how this has fueled sex addiction and complicated recovery. The rise of the internet has provided an easy and secretive way to engage in compulsive sexual behaviors. Chapter four reviews how family plays a role in the addict’s world and can unknowingly contribute to the addiction cycle. This chapter also highlights the phenomenon of passing down the roots of sexual addiction to children and future generations without realizing it. Chapter five discusses coaddiction and the common presence of other addictive behaviors in combination with sexual addiction. Chapter six dives deeper into the belief system of the addict, including exploring how cultural beliefs, family beliefs, and core beliefs play a role in addiction. Chapter seven highlights the steps of recovery for sexual addiction based on the 12 steps from Alcoholics Anonymous. This chapter does a great job translating the 12 steps from AA to be applicable to sex addiction and how to utilize the steps to transform faulty beliefs that contribute to the additive cycle. Chapter eight concludes the book and briefly discusses the differences between recovery from alcohol or drug addiction and recovery from sex addiction.
Overall, this book is a fantastic read and is appropriate for many individuals; not just sex addicts, but the friends and family of sex addicts, counselors and therapists, doctors and healthcare workers, and those who feel they could be at risk for losing control of their sexual behaviors. Developing a greater understanding for sexual addiction can help to begin to break down the stigmas associated with the addiction, just as the stigmas around drug and alcohol addiction have begun to fall. The book, ‘Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction’ can be found on Amazon or other major book retailers.
If you or a loved one are unable to control sexual behaviors and are suffering from sex addiction, know that you are not alone. Our therapists at FIG are experienced in working with individuals suffering from sex addiction, especially those who have committed sexual offenses due to compulsive behaviors. Please reach out if you are in need of treatment related to sexual behaviors and our experienced clinicians can provide you with treatment or assist you in finding the best fit for addressing your needs. You can contact our staff at: (508) 296-0229 or email us at: info@forensicinsightgroup.com.
Citation:
Carnes, P. (2001). Out of the shadows : understanding sexual addiction. Hazelden.